YOU ALWAYS HURT THE ONES YOU LOVE 07/03/2014

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How well are you relationally? Some of the wellness we seek each day comes to us through the interactions we have with the various people in our lives. We try to stay healthy by steering clear of people we don’t mesh well with and seek to get close to people we love and enjoy. But what about those times when the very people we say we love we find we cannot stand to be around or worse yet we hurt them and or get hurt by them? What can we do to manage the stress from relationships that go sideways?

Think about the last time you were in a conflict with someone or experienced hurt in the relationship? Maybe you had a misunderstanding with someone and hurt their feelings or went too far and hurt them physically. Did you say to yourself “serves them right, they had it coming” or did you feel awful? Disagreements, arguments and conflicts can sometimes get us into trouble when with or without intention we act in ways that hurt ourselves or another. Why do we lose control, feel overcome by our emotions and at times even feel good when we hurt those we love? What is really going on when we choose to hurt others?

As we said, our reactions to our hurtful behavior can run the gamut. We can feel justified or shame and at times deep remorse. We may even vow that we will never do it again.

We may find it easy to justify hurting people who we don’t know or who are different that ourselves but what about the pain we cause those we say we love? There’s not a week goes by where we don’t hear on tv or in print the bazaar details of love gone bad. A once happily married couple has come to an end because they have repeatedly criticized and hurt each other. We sit and watch with mixed emotions wondering how something so good could end up so bad. Whether it’s a simple misunderstanding or years of physical and emotional abuse we know it is something we all wonder about regardless of age, color, sex or nationality.

Conflict happens to each of us and will happen again. The only way to understand the times you hurt someone is to begin to see what is really going on. At the core of your hurtful behavior is motivations that are not always obvious. You are not evil intended. You are not a mean person but you do have agendas, expectations and motivations that are driving your behaviors and when push comes to shove you can lose your cool.

Here are six steps you can take to begin to slow down and manage these encounters.

1. Take 100% responsibility for each experience. You are the common denominator in all your conflicts. Take a look at yourself. See what part you can own before you blame and in owning it offer some new understanding or apology.

2. Go looking for what is at risk for you that you are as emotionally invested in the struggle. There are positive intentions all over the place and finding them in yourself and others is like discovering nuggets of gold. They inform you and increase your perspective of what it is that is really going on. They also begin to give you the ability to lower expectations and define options.

3. Some have said the best way to handle conflict is to look for the good, and forgive everything else. Most people are doing the best they can and most spiritual gurus will tell you at the core of all suffering and conflict is ignorance. It they could do better they world do better. Release your judgment and your need to control others.

4. With number 3 in mind seek to release all people to be exactly as they are. Find your ability to be secure, safe, emotionally stable and separate in your own strengths rather than dependent on someone else to change so you can be ok. We often talk in our home about being at CAUSE rather than at the EFFECT of some belief, event or individual.

5. Wake up each day and within the first few minutes seek to focus and intend to love and forgive all you meet as the day unfolds. This obviously might come easier for some than others but is well worth the few minutes. There is rarely a day goes by that even before I roll out of bed I have breathed this prayer that I might be loving and forgiving with all I meet.

6. Keep growing. When you are able to see your motivations, intentions, choices and actions you have a greater capacity to act with love as well as bring a deeper understanding of why people act the way they do. Insight into these motivations can increase your ability to think before you act allowing you to get ahead of the actions which may cause hurtful encounters.

I’m David Ruch at I AM DISCOVERED on a mission to teach people to live happy and on purpose. www.idiscovered.me

What Does Jennifer Lawrence Have That You Don’t? 03/03/2014

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Hey did you see Jennifer Lawrence at the Oscars last night? How crazy that she fell again coming in on the red carpet. But wow, you have to applaud her for being nominated for a second year in a row.
I really liked Pharrell Williams and his performance of Happy. What’s not to love with Ellen as host. She is so funny. But about the Oscars. So the big award for Best Picture.  Something like 9 films nominated for best picture this year.  Incredible talent.  How did you do guessing which one would win? Did you pick it right?  Gravity won so many Oscars but congratulations to 12 Years a Slave for Best Picture. 

As far as all the preparation goes, I heard they spent days rolling out the red carpet early so they could build the rain tunnel over it to keep all the stars comfortable.  Some pretty famous people walk that red carpet every year.  I find myself wondering if this is what they thought they would be doing when they grew up?  Like them I’m sure, we all grew up wondering and dreaming about what we wanted to be.

So I have a question for you.  As you were watching did you say to yourself or out loud, “I am Oscar worthy?”  If you did I bet you know what it is you do better than anyone else?  Good for you.
Over the years I have worked with hundreds of people many who never really understood or had language to describe what it was that made them unique or gifted.  Some had lived decades and were still confused about what they wanted to be when they grew up and what if anything was truly special about them.  Many of them were not able to realize on a very basic level that they were doing it every day of their lives.

If you are like them and not too clear about what it is you do that could get you nominated for a life Oscar keep reading. The truth of the matter is, you are already successful at something.  You have times in your life you can look back on and remember when you felt good about your accomplishments or had that feeling that your contribution towards some goal or activity seemed effortless.  The problem for many of us is distraction.  We try to do so many things or feel a requirement to do what others want us to do.  In doing so we limit our success. We spread ourselves too thin and allow ourselves to be conditioned to do things we don’t enjoy or don’t do very well.  If this sounds like you, know you are not alone.   Sometimes I like to ask people I am working with, why do people call you?  What do others know about you that moves them to call you when they have a need or a want?  Do they call you because you are a good listener?  Do they call you because they know you are always up for a great time?  Do they call you because you seem to have insight or wisdom that always provides a calming effect or clarity to help them through a difficult situation?  These answers can begin to give you a hint as to what makes you unique.  It is in these places where you are most successful and probably Oscar worthy every day.  You just show up and do what you do. All of us can love Jennifer Lawrence and Leonardo Dicaprio for what it is they do but in the end we need to know they have nothing on you or me except maybe a little more money.   More importantly from my perspective is to encourage you to watch yourself this week, pay attention and be curious.  Notice what it is you do. Then celebrate it with an after Oscar party of your own.  Remember the best quote of the night said by the Oscar winner for Best Original Song “Never let fear or shame keep you from being who you really are.” You are what you do!

I AM DISCOVERED… 18/02/2014

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Welcome to I AM DISCOVERED, a weekly blog dedicated to exploring the ways you most naturally live and move in the world.  I’m Dave Ruch, President of I AM DISCOVERED and one of your blog hosts along with Thom Black the Founder.  Each week you will find us exploring with you what it is that really matters to you.  Of course we know that it is to be you living you’re most authentic and passionate life.  Anybody paying attention realizes there are lots of ways to get distracted away from your dreams, drives and ambitions whether in your relationships, your work or simply in the ways you are seeking to show up in your everyday life.

So if you are…congratulations.  You have accomplished something that many struggle to do.  That you have been able to cut through the noise and maintain your own voice is special.  Keep going.  If your answer is no or not yet, what are you waiting for?  Can we say it out loud?  Get a life!  Take some time to ask yourself what is working and what isn’t.  First and foremost ask yourself this question.  Am I happy?  Not in just some of my life but most of my life?  How do you know?  Identify the evidence for your thinking.  What is the purpose of doing the deal everyday if you are not enjoying yourself?

You are as close to happiness when you are able to do what it is you most love to do?  Do you know what that is?  Think right now, who you are and how you got here.  We know there is something unique, magical and natural about what it is you love to do and it is from that place that you have your best shot at success and happiness.  Remember some of those times when what you were doing seemed to come effortlessly. Begin to explore what life looked like when you were doing what you loved to do.  Were you with people or all alone?  Were you designing, creating, inventing, or building? Or were you thinking, exploring, writing and fixing while you worked at figuring things out?  It doesn’t matter what you were doing.  What matters is that it was you.  You were present, engaged, fulfilled and doing what you loved.  So there you go.  There is your assignment for the week.  Check in with us and allow us to explore this path with you. We would love to hear from you.  Join the conversation and tell us what you think.  Thanks for following I AM DISCOVERED.